Using DEARMAN

In the context of pronoun advocacy

It’s still Pride Month!

Last week, I posted a guide to using and respecting they/them pronouns. I talked about making mistakes, correcting yourself, and how to correct others.

The truth is that sometimes gentle corrections and frequent reminders don’t do the trick, and if someone is still not respecting another person’s pronouns or responding well to feedback, it might be worth having an intentional conversation. And for those moments, I have… another guide!! This time on the DEARMAN framework.

DEARMAN is a conflict resolution framework derived from Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), meant to guide the speaker in communicating what they want, how they want, while causing as little harm and miscommunication as possible. I’m a pretty serious fan, and you can find my DEARMAN resource sheet here.

Before jumping into the acronym itself, I want to emphasize that DEARMAN is not about “winning” an argument or forcing someone into compliance. Ideally, it’s a framework that helps people approach difficult conversations with more accountability and care, from all angles. I’ve found that it can be quite helpful to state your intentions before getting into a conversation like this, especially if individuals in the conversation have a history of getting defensive or taking communication as a form of attack. Something like: “I know you care about this person. I’m hoping we can talk about this so we can better respect each other and support so-and-so,” can help ground the conversation before getting into the heavier parts.

Let’s talk about DEARMAN specifically in the context of asking someone to adapt their pronoun usage:

D-Describe: Describe the current situation as clearly and factually as possible.

“I noticed that despite my corrections, you are struggling to adopt using they/them pronouns for our friend/family member/coworker/peer.”

E-Express: Share your perspective openly and honestly. This is the part where you communicate why the situation matters and how it impacts you or others emotionally.

“In my opinion, it’s important to respect their pronouns and try our best to correct ourselves during this time of learning. I know it’s important to them, and it hurts them when we misspeak and don’t correct ourselves.”

A-Assert: Be direct about what you are asking for. Clear communication is kinder and more effective than hoping someone will infer what you mean.

“I’m going to continue to try my best, and I’d like you to as well.”

R-Reinforce: Explain why making this change matters.

“Respecting and using their pronouns will bring us all closer and lead to more genuine/positive interactions while supporting their mental and physical health.”

M-(Being) Mindful: Try to stay centred on the original purpose of the conversation and don’t go off-topic. Sometimes people respond to feedback by changing the subject, becoming defensive, arguing technicalities, or focusing on intent over impact. If the person you are giving feedback to starts making excuses, blaming others or changing the topic, it’s important to directly circle back to the main point (Describe and Assert), emphasizing that other concerns can be addressed after this one is resolved.

A-Appearance: Be mindful of how you are showing up to the conversation. What tone of voice do you want to emanate? What about your facial expression, volume and posture? All these factors make a difference when talking about difficult things. Speaking calmly, making eye contact, and grounding yourself physically can help communicate confidence and sincerity.

*Note: If you or someone you are communicating with experiences difficulty with eye contact or any other “neurotypical” standards for respectful communication, please keep this in mind and be gentle with yourselves! These are suggestions for success, and at the end of the day, everyone’s comfort and authenticity are just as important.*

N-Negotiate: It’s important to remember that at the end of the day, we are all human, and the assertion we come in with might not be a reasonable goal for all. I do not believe that this negotiation should involve anyone continuing to intentionally misgender anyone, but this is simply an invitation to work towards a common goal in a more nuanced way.

If the person receiving feedback says: ““Well, I’d love to use their pronouns properly, but I keep forgetting,” or “I don’t know how,” your negotiation can look like reminding them that you will keep correcting them, and perhaps you can practice together sometime. Or encourage them to practice in their downtime. Or send them this article!

Remember, some people take time to adjust their language. This is not an excuse to misgender people, but an opportunity to acknowledge where they have room for growth, and DEARMAN can be a useful tool in seizing that opportunity.

Let me know in the comments what style of communication has worked best for you in the past. Have you tried this technique and had issues? How have you made DEARMAN work for your neurodivergent relationships? I want to know!