Ugly Emotions: Jealousy

Jealousy gets a bad rap.

Ugly Emotions Series: Jealousy

Jealousy gets a bad rap.

It's one of those emotions that most people seem to agree is “bad” or “ugly.” If you're jealous, you're probably insecure, controlling, immature… There must be something “wrong” in your relationship.

To be fair, sometimes jealousy does show up when something genuinely isn't working. But we have a tendency to skip over the far more helpful question: what is my jealousy trying to tell me?

To start to answer that, I think we need to talk about emotions more broadly.

Emotions are information. Happiness is an easy example. When we're happy, most of us intuitively understand it as a signal that something feels good, meaningful, enjoyable, or aligned with our values. It's information we can use. We can understand that maybe we should do more of that thing, and most of us are generally capable of doing so. We can listen to our positive emotions in this way. 

We’re not as good at doing it with uncomfortable emotions. When jealousy shows up, we jump straight into figuring out who is causing it. Someone is doing something wrong. Someone needs to stop. Something needs to change.

Sometimes that's true.

But before we jump to that point, I try to encourage people (i.e. my clients) to ask a different question: Am I getting my needs met?

A lot of jealousy comes from watching someone else receive what we want more of ourselves. The focus tends to land on the fact that they're getting it, rather than on the possibility that we're missing it.

This comes up a lot with clients who are exploring ethical non-monogamy. Someone sees their partner spending time with another partner and feels jealous. Their first thought is often, "Maybe I've made a mistake. Maybe non-monogamy isn't for me." Maybe that's the answer. But I don't think it should be the first question.

A better first question is: what exactly am I jealous of? Is it the quality time? The affection? The words of affirmation? The physical touch?

When people slow down and get curious and specific, they sometimes come to understand that they don't actually want their partner to stop doing those things with someone else. They want more of those things for themselves, too.

This then becomes a very different conversation.

Instead of "stop doing that," the conversation becomes, "I've noticed jealousy coming up, and I think what I'm realizing is that I'd like more quality time with you."

This isn't just about ethically non monogamous relationships, or romantic relationships. The same thing can happen with friends, coworkers, siblings, and any other bond. 

Jealousy is sometimes a sign that something is “wrong,” but it can also just be a sign that something is needed. The emotion itself isn't the problem. It becomes a problem when we shove it down until it comes out sideways as resentment or an argument that isn't actually about the thing we're upset about.

So my hot take is that the goal shouldn’t be to stop feelings of jealousy. 

The goal should be to stay curious about it and to communicate about it so that we can understand what it’s trying to tell us.