they/them
- Nat Cooper
- Jun 5
- 4 min read
If someone you know/love has shared their pronouns with you, congratulations! This means they feel safe enough to share this information with you. It’s also a direct invitation to keep being a part of their life and to understand them on a more authentic level.
Support from friends, loved ones, coworkers, and the general community significantly boosts the well-being of individuals using nonbinary pronouns (i.e. any set of pronouns outside of the male/female binary) and correlates positively with wellness markers related to mental and physical health.
What are they/them pronouns?
Rising in popularity and awareness, “they/them” refers to a set of pronouns used and preferred by some people in lieu of commonly assigned or assumed pronouns such as she/her/hers or he/him/his.
How to use they/them in a sentence
Even if it feels unfamiliar at first, you probably already use singular “they” in everyday conversation without realizing it.
For example:
“They left their phone here.”
“Someone’s at the door. Can you ask them what they need?”
Using they/them pronouns for a specific person works the same way:
They went to the store to pick up milk. I should text them to ask for soy instead of dairy milk. I wonder what their preference is.
Why Pronouns Matter
Respecting and using the pronouns someone identifies with as a personal descriptor, and has asked you to use for them, is a sign of respect and acknowledgement that you see them as they see themselves. It’s a signal to them that you trust them and hear them when they share this part of their identity and experience with you.
What to do if you make a mistake:
Although being expected to use non-binary pronouns for someone is a simple ask, for some, it may require practice. And with practice comes mistakes.
This is normal, and many folks who request that you start using they/them pronouns for them will likely expect you to mess up at first. They will probably also expect you to correct yourself respectfully. Pause, collect your thoughts, say a quick “oops” or “sorry,” and then repeat your sentence with the correct pronouns. Or try using their pronouns three times in a sentence for each time you misgender them.
Example:
They went to the store to pick up milk. I should text them to ask for soy instead of dairy milk. I wonder what their preference is.
If you misgender someone and are corrected by others, your response can look the same, and an added thank you to the person correcting you can go a long way. When someone corrects you on their own or someone else’s pronouns, they’re doing their best to be an ally. They’re doing their best to put the comfort and authenticity of the non-binary individual over the comfort of the moment. They want your current conversation to be an inclusive and respectful environment for everyone.
Thanking them in this situation lets everyone know that correcting pronouns is welcome and encouraged. It’s also a great way to display your skills in taking feedback and gratitude for the chance to continue to learn and grow as a human. Being able to take feedback without getting defensive is a wonderful life skill that can bring communities and families together.
Receiving feedback can be difficult. Whoever is giving this feedback is letting you know that there is room for improvement in the way you speak. Receiving that feedback with grace is a tremendous skill for anyone to embody, and a good place to start is by acknowledging any defensiveness that may arise.
How to give feedback about pronouns
If you’re trying to be an ally to someone who is using they/them pronouns, it can be helpful to ask if and how they would like you to correct others on their pronouns. Some people may not be “out” to the person you want to correct, so it’s important to have these conversations in order to protect their privacy and safety. If they have agreed to or asked you to correct others on their pronouns (either in their presence or while they are not present) it can be done simply and respectfully.
Example:
*someone uses the wrong pronouns for someone*
“I’m going to interrupt you quickly for a moment – so and so’s pronouns are actually they/them now. Feel free to continue what you were saying.”
Another way of correcting someone’s use of wrong pronouns can look like simply repeating back what they’ve said with the correct pronouns. This approach is less direct and can be more helpful for folks who already know their pronouns, but have just misspoken or forgotten.
If someone is responding poorly to corrections or doesn’t seem to be picking up on the above-mentioned cues, it might be worth having a more intentional 1-on-1 conversation outside of a social setting.
For more difficult conversations or intentional conflict resolution, I like to recommend a communication framework from Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) called DEARMAN. The framework is designed to help people communicate clearly while reducing harm and miscommunication as much as possible.
I’ll be exploring how the DEARMAN framework can be used specifically in conversations around pronouns and allyship in next week’s post, but in the meantime you can find my DEARMAN resource sheet under the resources section on this website.
At the end of the day, we’re all humans.
Some people take time to adjust their language. This isn’t an excuse to misgender people, but it is an opportunity to acknowledge where there is room for growth. Respecting and using someone’s pronouns can lead to more genuine and positive interactions while supporting their mental and physical health.
Most people are not asking for perfection. They are asking for effort, care, and a willingness to keep learning. Allyship isn’t a self-imposed title. It’s earned through trust and direct, ongoing action.
Further Reading
Gender Spectrum Education:
Pronouns:
Autobiography of a Non-Binary Canadian:
other books:
(The nonbinary memoirs book can be very useful for cis people to understand the internal experience.)
Parent Support:
Sources:
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